Sleep Maids

So...it's really not late. It's actually kinda early. Often times I wake up at 4:30 or 5am. Someone once told me I nap. I will say that may be true. In my quest to get rest I've found I have sleep anxiety. Lol. When we sleep we have what I call "sleep maids". They go through your brain and store all your brain's activities for that day. For some reason my sleep maids love to go through my pending schedule and diagnose just what I have to do the next day. So instead of dreaming of love and hot guys I'm actually dreaming of work I have to do. My sleep maids are very efficient. They also tell me EXACTLY how to do it and resolve any creativity and construction issues I may have. It makes me very productive the next day but it csn be exhausting. I never get rest. People often ask how I can be so fast in my work. Well it's because in my mind I've done it already. So the next day im in robot mode. Sleep is alsothe time when some creative visions come to me. If I ever get a creative block or my work frustrates me I go to sleep. Only way I can refocus. But I wake up so tired. That's because my mind worked all night. It's not that bad but often I find that it makes me odd. I also can't sleep on demand. Smh. I often lay in the bed for hours. I've tried everything that can be bought over the counter. Nothing works. I don't think my sleep maids would appreciate prescription sleep aids. They wouldn't know what to do with a night off. I sometimes envy those that don't have sleep maids. Idk maybe God realized I need help.

Wake Up!

3:36 in the am, and of course I cannot sleep...Hence the title of this blog. I call this wake up. Funny thing is I never remember sleeping much. Even when I was young. And ironically, my son has the same plight. IDK why, maybe it's a sag thing...I just don't sleep a lot. Well let's just say I'm sleep challenged. There you go. My mind has always been deep in thought. I mean all the time, and sleep is no exception. Often I dream about work that I don't have to do, or that is in the works. My anxiety level can be high. But it's the late night that often inspires me to be the person I am. And often time it's when my mind gets things done. And while the rest of the world is sleeping, my mind is constantly working. A gift and a curse. I've always wanted more out of life. I always am pushing towards something more then what I was given. And the older I get, I realize that not everyone is the same. I feel like if God gives you a gift, who are you to squander it? There are people born without any talent, without any gift, and here God gives you this great ability and you let it sit on a shelf and collect dust? The nerve of some people. And then I run across the people who think that wealth is money. Who look down about anyone or anything else that makes less money then them. I say this. Jesus was a carpenter. He was not rich. His family was poor. His followers were poor. His disciples were poor. But yet it's a lot of so called Christian people out here looking down upon the poor...I'm just saying. If you worship Christ then you should strive to be more Christ like. Have an understanding that earthly riches are just that. A fulfilled life is often a humbled one. Just ask any rich lonely man. You cannot buy happiness. You cannot buy love. And while we may resent that struggle. The struggle has built character. The struggle has built drive. The struggle has built humbleness. Often times I want to yell WAKE UP! In the middle of the night. But sometimes I feel like each one teach one. And if I have taught one then my job is done. I cannot answer for those who do not wish to pursue and live in the gift that GOD has given them. All I can do is try to give advice..I can try to mentor... I can try to be a good friend. A good Sister. A good daughter. A good mother...A good lover. A good wife...

10 months later and it's about that time to spit on this blogger... Man oh man...Where do I start??

I call this-"What Happened to JWood"

What happened to the little girl that always dressed like a little boy. Who always held it down for her niggas? Who cussed out Yah when he wrecked my car, busted down my door, kept my $80 worth of change from the liquor store, and cried like a baby when he died? Where is the girl who was always willing to drive up Midway to get Plu outta some shit he did?

What happened to the round the way girl who was always called JWoo- Humm Dinger, or Wood?? What happened to the girl who everyone adored but they really were afraid to admit it? What happened to the "come in I'll make your breakfast even though you drunk and just got out the club?" What happened to the chick that would cuss out your female friends for asking too many questions about who she was and how she knew you? What happened to me?

What happened to "I'm gonna sew all night long until I fall asleep on my sewing machine?" And what happened to the girl that always split that blunt with you and stayed up all night drinking and talking to you about your girl? What happened to the friend I use to be? What happened to my talent and my vision? What ever happened to me being the down ass chick and not the nagging girlfriend?

What happened to me? I want the old me back. I want to be his friend again. I want to be the grinder and "all I think about is sewing" chick again. Damn did all the fake Nikkas take my sunshine from me.

What I wouldn't give to have Yah in my kitchen drunk with Plu and Diddy and Ricks sitting beside him? What I wouldn't give to witness Snook and P cracking on each other while drinking an "All at Once..." And I would give my last everything if Poopie could be here to joke me about everything. LOL!

Could it be that losing so many people I love, to not only death, but time has somehow altered me? Have I become too sensitive for me?

I was always the friend. And real talk... I just need that back. I don't need to be your girl! I just want to get back to me!

Whenever I sleep next to you, I always sleep sound. I don't know why. You make me feel safe... I often get frustrated cause I could be sleeping next to you a lot often... I just don't know how to keep my mouth shut. I've been living in this frustrating world that I need not live in. We could've been having so much fun...How do I bring us back to normal? How can I make us what we are use to being? How do I relax and let us flow?? I've never been one at relaxation of situations. Maybe I need to be... 2007 is a new year...

When I sleep next to you, I sleep so much better... And at first I thought it was the fact that someone else was in the bed, but it's not that case at all. Because if I share my bed with another man, it doesn't quite feel the same. When you hold me I feel like I can finally exhale, and my life feels so right at that very moment in time. I can't stand it when we argue and fight. It throws off my whole day. I don't like it when we are angry. It seems like we should be beyond that. And I'm thinking to myself I can't figure none of this out, but all I can do is keep on going. Maybe the answer will come to me. Until then all I can say is thanks for the rest.