How do you turn attraction into attention and lust into love. I've never been too good at the "game". The relationship game that is. I really don't like to figure folks out. I would rather be me and let them fall in love with me. But men don't fall in love too easy. They have a tendency to prejudge and keep an arm's length from you. Hmmm? Well this blog is dedicated to someone I met again.

"From the day I saw you, I noticed your smile. The way you walk and the way you talk, provoke thoughts that make me blush. My heart flutters every time you call and when I see your face, my knees go through withdrawal. I feel like we are in high school again. Back then, I often noticed you out the corner of my eye. I never said anything. I was way too shy. And according to all my girlfriends, you weren't the type to just come up and say hi. Yeah I noticed you when we were kids. But we only saw each other through passing. And now, well, we are both grown, and my heart's all alone. And I was wondering...Nah forget it, just can't find the words to say. But if you're ever around the way. Or maybe if you just want to say hey. Or if thoughts of me are in the back of your dome. My home is always your home. If you ever need to get away, relax from the troubles of your day, just kick up your feet and know that everything is going to be ok. I see your energy, and I'm drawn to the heat. Like a moth to a flame, like a butterfly to the sun, like a bee to honey, I'm fascinated by your warmth. It stirs my inner soul and makes me glow. I just want our connection to grow, our bond to expand, our liaison to escalate. Take my hand, look in my eyes, bite your lip, look into the sky. Now, close your eyes. Are you ready? Here comes the mystical, unrefined, shy, Black Butterfly."

Hmmmm... I start my job an hour earlier now. 7am instead of 8. To be honest, I don't know how I get up in time. Maybe it's because the first hour here is so quiet. You don't have to see many folks or talk to them. Gives me a little time to myself. Something I don't get much of. I'm finding that life is made up of a series of uphill battles. And well, my legs hurt from climbing uphill for so long. It's like when you're up, you're up. When you're down, you're down. I'm losing motivation. (Hey it happens) I remember being so happy for a moment. And then feeling nothing. I wonder if everyone feels the same. I wonder if anyone even reads this. I wonder if anyone ever cares. This morning over my eggs, yes I had eggs this morning, I was contemplating life. As I was eating my muffin, I started thinking. I remember Robin putting her muffin in the toaster oven and we joked her about it. I was like "Robin, it's not done enough for you?" She would be like no girl, I want it brown. She would nearly burn it every time. Funny thing is I miss the smell of burnt muffin in the morning. I miss Alicia hogging up the copy machine. I miss those colorful Raggedy Ann socks she would wear. And she was always so busy. She never sat down. I miss sending song of the day and photo of the day. Things will never be the same. I'm going to miss the smiles, the laughter, the frustrations, the jokes. I miss them more then I ever imagined. People have a way of coming into your life and you never realize just how important they are until they are gone.
Every day at work is just a little bit sadder. All of a sudden I'm beginning to realize that maybe I'm not meant to be at this job. Who knows.

Where did you go?

I don't like disappearing acts. Never have. I never liked magicians. I don't think they are magical at all. Just a bunch of tricks and games. Not much for games. Don't like to play them, not much good at them. I was hoping that you were being genuine. Maybe I was wrong. Every time I break "my rule" I regret it. But I'm human. I do have feelings. Believe it or not, there is more to me then clothes and Strawberry Shortcake. I have a heart. I'm a woman. I feel what other women feel. My motives are always true. I don't practice to deceive, then why are others always trying to deceive me? I will never trust because I just don't know how to give anyone a chance. Or maybe all the chances are gone. I feel like a turtle hiding in my shell. Afraid to come out and greet the world. There is a reason why I keep my distance.

What bothers me is that I was feeling you. I mean I thought you were cool. I can tell in a few minutes if I like you or not. I was digging you. But oh well! Life goes on. And I can't stop my life for you or the likes of you. Just know you were on my brain. And now, well, you're not there anymore.

Peace out!