Still Confused...

It's getting better though. When I see you, my mind gets cloudy. I don't know what to think. People often wonder what exactly this webpage is. These are thoughts... Just like someone might go home and write in a diary. Never was too good at the diary thing. I often would neglect to write in it, and keep stuff to myself. I got to much shit on my brain as is. No need to keep any more. Now I know why people smoke weed. It's an attempt to kill some of that shit that stays on your mind.

You are on my mind. The whole tatoo thing is on my brain. Don't know why. You often have a way of getting in my thoughts and getting underneath of my skin.

Confusion...

See now I'm confused. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, and when I wanted it. But now, a monkey wrench has been thrown into the whole game and a sista is really confused. Now, I need to do some thinking. Weigh pros and cons. Get some advice from my girls. You know stuff like that. All of a sudden, I changed my mind.

Childhood..

I look at my son and wonder what his childhood would be like. I try to give him everything he needs and anything he wants. I do spoil him so. Mainly, he just wants me. He wants me to read to him, snuggle with him, play with him and be his best friend. And as much as I want to be all those things, I can't. I'm his mother, I can't be his best friend. He needs to be around children of his own age. And while he attends daycare, when he comes home, it's just us. I grew up alone for a big chunk of my childhood. It's a lonely experience. My creativity didn't get nurtured the way it should have. I grew up way too fast. Divorce and moving with my father had taken it's toll. I'm not a soccer mom. My mom wasn't either. I never got the attention that children should have. I became very withdrawn and surrounded myself in my creative world. I made dolls and doll clothes, along with stuff animals. These were my friends. Along with the cat and my dog. I didn't have too many human friends. My interests just weren't the same. I was very quiet, and eventually got labeled as "weird". Even my father said I was strange. I want my son to be normal, not lost in his own world. While I do want him to be independent, I don't want him to be withdrawn and shy. So far, I think he's doing well. But he's only 3. How is he going to be in 3 years. Being a single mother definately has it's challanges. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. But I've found that you gotta do what you gotta do. I just hope that my son's childhood is a good one. Not one remembered with a lot of pain and tears. As a mother, it's my job to make sure he's happy. I just hope that I'm good enough.

Music...

I'm sittin here listening to Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway. Thinking to myself, wow, what great music. I'm an old R&B fan. Earth, Wind & Fire, Teddy P., Teena Marie, Stevie Wonder, Minnie Ripperton, Phyllis Hyman, Al Green, The Gap Band, Barry White, Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Isley Brothers, Marvin Gaye are just a few of my favorites. New music is cool too. But nothing is better then Songs in the Key of Life, or What's Going on? Music just isn't the same anymore. Some how, the soul has been lost. Now don't get me wrong, there has been some good music made, but nothing is better then the oldies. I guess I'm showing my age. I was always a Motown fan. That's because my mom listenend to Motown a lot. But it wasn't until I got to college, that I started to explore other types of music. I remember sitting on my front porch, in the dead of summer, and listening to the Best of the Isley Brothers and doing nothing. I went to a small college. Back then, it was slow and laid back. Not much to do, but relax, drink and smoke. The slow life didn't bother me much. It let me be creative. I yearn for that slow time now. I can't wait until my son gets a little bit older so we can just chill together. Listen to music and not do anything.
I have media player at my job and my hard drive is pretty hefty. I couldn't go all day without listening to music. It somehow keeps me sane. When I get home, I watch Court TV. Well that's another blog.
But seriously, take a moment to sit and listen. Even if you're not an R&B fan, realize there were some great artists, making powerful music. Not all of them were black. Appreciate other art forms. Think on the opposite side of your brain for once. Sit on your front porch or in your living room, and do nothing. Keep your sanity. GOD gave you a brain, think with it for a change.