It's funny how things change. Feelings change, people change, life changes. The constant thing about this world is change. I think GOD made that for a reason. Life is ever growing and ever moving. I wonder what my life would be like in 5 years. Will I be thinking about the same thing. Will I be stressing over the same stuff. I must admit, I am rather frustrated at this time. I'm always broke. Thank GOD for folks that care about me and are motivated by my sense of being. What would I do without the folks that truly care. I try not to stress so much. But I'm such a proud person. I must realize that GOD has a plan for me. I've been fighting it for so long, but now I need to give in. I'm scared. The unknown frightens me terribly. Some one once told me that people are often scared of success. I'm not scared of success, I'm scared of failure. But what is failure? Is failure attempting but not succeeding, or is failure not attempting at all? Hmmm.
Out of all this, I've learned that I can only be me. I can only do what I know how to do. I can only do what I have the heart to do. I can only do what I'm put here to do. I can never be someone other then me. I can never be what other's want me to be. I can never know it all or attempt to learn it all. GOD is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. Because I know that someday I must answer to a higher authority. And that is my motivation.

I believe that GOD is always watching and ever knowing. We cannot begin to understand his knowledge and what he has for us. I only pray that I'm worthy and that one day I'll get to see Jesus.

I remember the day after it happened. I don't know how I made it through that day. I was devistated. I some how managed to gather some strength and take my son to daycare. After that I laid back down in the bed. I cried. And cried, and cried. I thought it was all a bad dream. I was sooo happy. And then my world came crashing to an end. A momentary weakness had led to disaster. I blamed myself for a long time. I thought it was all my fault. I didn't want to live anymore. And while I survived and things are good for me, I still think back on last summer and remember just how in love I was. But the love wasn't real. I remember thinking that I would never be in love again. I was right. I will never be in love like that again. And while I got love for folks, I don't know when I'll fall in love again. To be honest, I don't think it's anyone's fault. That's just the way the cookie crumbles. I don't know why I'm thinking about this today. Maybe because I'm realizing that it's been a year. Maybe because he was on my mind. I do sometimes think that was the last chance I had at happiness, or bliss for that matter. But, who knows what GOD has in store for me. I do know now that I will never be the same again. I will never trust anyone like I trusted him. I will never let my guards down. I will never let myself be so hurt again. I will always remember that life is far too short to be that unhappy. At that time, I really didn't want to live. Only because I thought that was my last shot at being with someone. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Who knows. It's just me against the world and nothing is going to change that anytime soon.